The Book Heist
by Aingeal98
Summary: Bailing his second cousin and her idiot friends out of jail is not what Levi wants to be doing at three in the morning. Yet here he is.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Just a silly idea that wouldn't leave until I wrote it. Manga spoilers, but it's a college AU so nothing too huge. Also the drinking age where I'm from is 18, so that's what it is here.**

It's nearly three in the morning when Levi gets the call.

He's out of bed within five seconds, phone in hand. Erwin's name flashes on the screen, and he groans because he knows whatever he's about to hear won't be good. Erwin only calls him this late if there's a work emergency or a family emergency. He hopes to god it's not the latter.

"What's wrong?" he says, answering the call.

"Come down to the precinct and find out." Erwin says, and shit, the amusement in his voice tells Levi that it _is_ a family emergency.

Goddammit.

"I'm going to kill her." he growls, before ending the call and rooting around for a clean pair of pants.

He reaches the police station ten minutes later, probably breaking a few speeding laws but whatever, he's headed to jail anyway. Entering the station he sees Erwin behind the desk, a smirk on his face. Fucking asshole.

"What did she do this time?" he sighs.

"I think its best you hear it from them." Erwin is enjoying this far too much. "She and her two friends are in holding cell three. They're very, very drunk."

"Of course they are." Levi mutters, yanking the keys from Erwin's hand and stomping off down the corridor towards the holding cells.

He hears them as he gets closer, Mikasa singing as loudly and out of tune as she can.

"Ninety nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety nine bottles of beeeeer."

"Noooooo Mikasa you dummy, we were on sixty seven bottles! Tell her Armin!"

"Technically, you're both right. You wanna know why? I'll tell you why. Time… is an illusion. It's all just us trying to process the… the fourth dimension thingy. It's fucking cubes and… and some other geometry shit."

There's silence for a few seconds, save Levi's angry stomping as he walks towards the cell.

"Holy shit. Armin, you are so smart. What the fuck, how are you so smart? Time is an illusion holy shit Mikasa are you hearing this?"

"Two hundred bottles of beer on the wall, two hundred bottles of be-"

Levi slams open the door, thankfully putting an end to Mikasa's awful attempt at singing. She's seated on the bench in the holding cell, cuddled into Eren's side. Armin is curled up on the floor next to them, and he's the only one who stares at Levi with relatively clear eyes. Mikasa sees him too, but he knows she's completely out of it when her reaction is to smile.

"Hey guys look. It's Levi! How did he get here? Hey Levi, did the cops finally find out about all that illegal shit you've been doing?"

Christ. He forgot she was a chatty drunk.

"Shut up." he snaps, walking over and yanking her off the bench.

She gives a little whine and paws at Eren's arm. Eren continues staring off into space. Levi thinks he may have fallen asleep with his eyes open.

"I'm here to bail all of you out." Levi continues. "But first, I want to hear what you did, so I can decide whether or not to leave your miserable asses here until morning."

"What we did?" Mikasa blinks slowly, looking around. "Oh right, we're in jail. Ha. Armin why are we in jail again?"

Levi drops her back on the bench and turns to face Armin, who is clearly the only one not completely lost in a drunken haze. Judging by the stench of alcohol, all three of them are definitely hammered, but Armin at least seems to be capable of having a conversation.

"Ok let's see…" Armin frowns and concentrates on a spot in front of him. "Mikasa punched a cop."

"Fuck yeah I did."

"And then Eren tackled one and I panicked and crashed my car into their squad car."

He smiles apologetically up at Levi, who's struggling to find the words to express just how stunned and pissed off he is at the amount of stupidity these three are capable of when they get drunk.

"Explain." he finally gets out through gritted teeth.

Armin settles back against the wall while Mikasa rests her head on Eren's lap.

"So you know how we were going out to celebrate the end of finals week? That's where it starts."

 **8 hours earlier**

"Why did you make us come out here again?" Mikasa asked grumpily. "You know parties aren't my idea of fun."

"Yeah, and you don't even like to drink that much Armin." Eren added as they moved towards the entrance to the club.

"But I like the atmosphere." Armin argued. "Plus all our friends will be here. This will be the last time we'll all be together until summer is over; you know you'd regret not going!"

"Fine." Eren sighed as they entered the club. "Now that we're here, might as well try to enjoy it."

Inside, they quickly found their friends, due to Connie and Sasha waving and being loud enough to be noticed despite the thumping bass booming through the building. The trio made their way over to the table their friends had secured and slid in beside a miserable looking Jean. Armin felt sympathetic since Jean still wasn't over Marco moving to America halfway through the semester, but he hoped Jean would brighten up at some point.

It was then that he noticed the many shot glasses scattered around the table.

"Free shots!" Connie yelled excitedly. "Apparently it's the strongest stuff they have too."

"We're all drinking it right?" Sasha asked.

Armin wasn't sure that Eren and Mikasa would be ok with it, since they hadn't wanted to get too drunk, but judging by the competitive glares between the two of them, Jean, and Annie, everyone would be downing shots tonight.

And he was right. Six rounds of shots later, his friends were all over the place.

Connie and Sasha were out on the dance floor, flailing wildly and whacking anyone who got too close. Historia had somehow started a drinking game with a bunch of grown men, and was currently drinking them under the table while Ymir watched adoringly. Reiner and Bertolt were crying in a corner for some reason, and Annie and Jean were still seated at the table trying to down more shots than Eren and Mikasa.

Mikasa stared calmly at Annie, who stared coldly back. Armin knew that they could go on like this for quite a while, but Eren and Jean were in much worse shape. Eren was still staring at his sixth shot like he was mustering up the willpower to down it, while Jean was glaring at him as if everything gone wrong in his life was Eren's fault.

While Armin was content to sit there and watch all the chaos his friends created, he knew that competitive drinking only made Eren and Mikasa grumpy, especially when they lost. Grabbing their hands, he attempted to drag them up, but swayed and knocked his head off Eren's shoulder instead.

Huh. He was usually the best of the trio at handing his alcohol, but maybe six shots had been a little too much. Damn peer pressure.

Instead of attempting to pull them up again, he pointed to where Connie and Sasha were still accidentally causing bodily harm to everyone attempting to have fun on the dance floor.

"Let's dance!" he cried.

Eren nodded and slowly pushed himself up, holding onto Armin for support. Mikasa stood up, sat down, got up again, fell over, and finally made her way over to them.

The next hour passed in a blur of noise, colours and drink. By the time they finally sat down, their friends had lost most of their energy and had gone on to the emotional drunk stage of the night. At least Connie and Sasha had the decency to make out in the bathroom corridor, Ymir and Historia were going at it right next to the thankfully unconscious men who'd failed to outdrink the pint-sized blonde. Annie, Reiner and Bertolt had gone outside, and from past experience Armin knew better than to interrupt them.

That left a still-moping Jean and the three of them relaxing at their table. Having no one to make out with, Armin instead poured all his emotion into talking about books.

"The library has so many good books… like soooooo many. There was this one about an Ecuadorian island where the birds have blue feet; I'm not kidding, blue feet! The island still has some prehistoric animals from the Mezzo… paleo… whatever. I thought it would be so cool if we could go there but I can't get the book from the library because they only let me take out five at a time!"

"That's bullshit." Eren said, having fully completed the process of becoming an angry drunk. "No one uses libraries except for you nowadays. They should be grateful! They should let you take as many books as you want!"

"They should." Mikasa echoed.

"You know what we should do? We should rob the library!"

"We should." Mikasa agreed sagely.

"Because you're awesome Armin, and you deserve all the books."

"All of them."

Something about Eren's logic seemed flawed, but as he finished his tenth? eleventh? drink, Armin couldn't quite put his finger on it. Jean was slumped over the table, probably asleep, so it wouldn't be rude to leave him. His friends seemed super enthusiastic, and he did love books, so why not?

"They won't just let us rob the library though. We'll need to… I know! Follow me."

Five minutes later the trio stood in front of a van in the alley next to the club. The large amount of alcohol coursing through their system kept them warm as they waited for Annie to finish rooting around her van. How she managed to fit it in the alley was beyond Armin, but he found it pretty cool.

"So you're sure you don't want serious weapons?" Annie asked, her voice slightly slurred. "I have a couple of handguns if you need them."

"Just the paintball guns please." Armin replied. "It needs to look real, but it can't actually be real. All part of the super-secret plan."

She nodded tossing three guns towards Mikasa, who caught them easily despite the spaced-out look in her eyes. Armin was no expert, but they definitely appeared realistic, so he nodded in approval.

"Thanks Annie."

"I owed you a favour." Annie shrugged, turning around to shut the van's back doors. "Try not to get arrested."

"Like that's going to happen." Eren laughed. "We've planned this out really well. It's gonna be totally smooth, you'll see."

It wasn't smooth at all.

The library was only a five minute walk away, and coincidentally it was where Armin had parked his car. None of them were stupid enough to drink and drive, but he still gave the hood a little pat as he walked to the library entrance.

Then they encountered their first problem.

"It's closed." Eren said, baffled. "Why is no one here?"

"It closes for the night." Armin suddenly realised. "I completely forget, how did I forget that? How are we going to steal the books if there's no one to hold at gunpoint?"

"I got this." Mikasa said, and when Armin turned around he saw she had dropped the guns and was holding a boulder the size of his head.

"Wait Mikasa, where did you even-"

With a war cry, Mikasa ran at the nearest window and flung the rock through it. Alarms went off instantly, and Eren cupped his ears, wincing. Mikasa paid the alarms no attention, gracefully diving through the window and tumbling back onto her feet. She ran to the front entrance and fumbled with the door.

"I can't open it. There aren't any keys."

Armin was starting to get the feeling that perhaps this hadn't been a good idea.

"Maybe we should-"

Three loud bangs interrupted him, and the door slammed open. Mikasa was breathing heavily, but she seemed uninjured despite breaking down a door with her leg.

"Nailed it."

Eren seemed to have regained his enthusiasm, and he raced inside, dragging Armin with him.

"Quick Armin now's our chance! Pick any books you want, the government doesn't deserve to keep them from you!"

Entranced by the idea of reading every book in the library all at once, Armin ran up and down the science section, grabbing any book that caught his interest. Eren ran next to him, yelling out any title he thought sounded cool.

"The Blue Planet? What's that about? Oh, this book is called The Universe in a Nutshell. Is our universe in a nutshell Armin?"

He was about to reply, when flashing lights outside caught his attention. He ran back outside to see Mikasa standing protectively in front of the library entrance, while two officers got out of a squad car.

"Nobody move!" The male policeman yelled, then he froze when he saw Mikasa. "Ah shit Nanaba, it's the Ackerman kid again."

"Is she drunk?"

"Of course she is."

The two officers approached her carefully, batons at the ready. Mikasa stood silently, Eren and Armin peeking out from behind her.

"Hey there Mikasa. You probably don't remember us since you were completely intoxicated last time we met, but we're going to need you and your friends to come with-"

Mikasa's fist snapped out, knocking Nanaba unconscious in one clean punch. Her partner yelled and reached for his taser, and that's when Eren leapt at him.

"Run Armin! Run and hide! Don't let them take your freedom!"

On instinct, Armin ran towards the parking lot, dropping a book as he fumbled with his car keys. He got the passenger door open and leapt inside. Was this a good enough hiding place? Maybe he needed to hide in the backseat. He started crawling over the front seat, but as he pushed his foot against something he heard a click, and suddenly the car was moving.

Oh whoops, that must have been the handbrake.

He had enough time to hear three people yelling before he felt the front of the car crash into something. Twisting himself around, he was horrified to see the squad car lights flashing right in front of him.

Oh dear.

 **Present time**

Levi listens stone faced as Armin rambles through his story, occasionally getting side-tracked or interrupted by his friends as they corrected something (Mikasa interrupts a lot, usually not with any helpful information). By the time it's over, Levi's face is so rigid he wouldn't be surprised if it never relaxed again.

"You know what?" he growls, yanking the three of them onto their feet. "I'm bailing you all out and taking you home. You don't deserve the luxury of waiting until morning to face the music."

Mikasa groans as he dragged her from the cell, Eren and Armin stumbling after her. Erwin is waiting for them at the reception, looking very amused and not at all angry. Levi tosses the necessary bail money on the desk.

"I'm sorry to ask this Erwin, but could you…"

"Let them off with a warning? Let's see: breaking and entering, theft, assaulting an officer twice, destruction of government property as well as drunk and disorderly conduct? Not to mention this is their fifth time in this station."

Levi feels his blood pressure rise with each charge, and he knows Erwin can tell by how smug he looks. Thankfully, the taller man puts him out of his misery.

"I'll figure something out. Just sign here confirming that you're Mikasa's legal guardian and make sure they get home safe."

Levi snatches the paper out of Erwin's hands and roughly scrawls something that could resemble a signature.

"But Levi isn't my legal guardian, is he? Isn't Kenny technically the one who was given custody of me years ago, and he just left me with Levi?"

Internally screaming, Levi turns to glare at Mikasa. Why was she so fucking _talkative_ when she was drunk?

"Shut. The Fuck. _Up._ " Levi hisses, shoving the paper into Erwin's hand.

Erwin smiles politely and files the paper away somewhere. Levi knows he gets a kick out of all this, watching Levi be forced to care about a bunch of idiot teenagers.

"Let's go." he grabs Mikasa again, dragging her towards the door. "We'll drop Armin off at his grandpa's, Eren over to his parents and then _you_ are coming home and getting locked in your room until college starts up again."

"Don't be so meeeaaann." Mikasa whines. "I'm nineteen, i'm a grown adult! You can't ground me. Plus I thought you'd be proud of me. Aren't you always saying fuck the police and that they're a corrupt bunch of pigs?"

Levi glances backwards. Erwin has one eyebrow raised and looks less amused than he had been a minute ago. Shit.

"Teenagers, eh? The excuses they come up with." Levi says weakly, hurriedly ushering the three kids out the door.

"I have never hated the three of you more than I do right now." Levi informs them on their way to his car. "On the bright side, the fact that I haven't murdered you yet is a sign that my self-control is improving, so perhaps you'll all live to see another day."

"Yay!" Mikasa says cheerily.

Then she throws up on his shoes.

Levi counts backwards from ten, ignores the loud reaction of the other two, and then shoves them all into the backseat of his car. He drops Armin and Eren off, savouring the loud argument that occurs when Carla Yeager finds out what her son has been up to. Once they reach the house he and Mikasa share, he kills the engine and turns around, ready to let her know just how angry he is at her.

She's asleep.

In the back of his car, with her hair falling into her face and her hands wrapped in her scarf, it reminds Levi of when she first came to him, asleep in the back of Kenny's stolen Mercedes. With a sigh, he gets out and opens her door, gently lifting her up and carrying her inside.

"Grown adult my ass." he grumbles, but if he tucks the covers over her and smooths her hair out of her eyes before leaving her to sleep, it's not like she'll remember it in the morning.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Never thought I'd write more of this but I had another silly idea that fits this AU so whoops here have a sequel of sorts.**

* * *

Levi catches her sneaking out, mostly because she makes no attempt to hide it. He bolted her window shut years ago after she kept using it to slip over to Eren's house, so this time she just walks towards the front door.

"Where are you going?" he asks from the sofa, his eyes still on the boxing match he's watching.

"Out." she replies without slowing down.

"Hold it." he snaps, and reluctantly she does. "If you think I'm letting you go out unsupervised you must be an idiot. It's only been two months since your last stint in jail, and I am not dealing with another call from Erwin when I'm supposed to be fast asleep."

If she wasn't an Ackerman, she'd probably roll her eyes at him. As it is, they glare at each other with laser sharp intensity. After a silent battle of wills, she relents.

"It's Jean's birthday." she mutters reluctantly. "So relax. We're all going to his house for a night of harmless fun. Plus Armin's the designated driver, so at least one of us will be completely sober."

"Jean?" Levi snorts. "Who the hell is Jean?"

"He's my friend."

"Your friend, huh?"

"Yes, my friend."

He glares suspiciously at her.

"You know what friends are, right Levi? It's that bond people have where they actually get along with each other, so I get why you might not know too much-"

"I know what friends are, you cheeky little brat." he growls.

"Great. Glad that's settled. Now, Eren and Armin are outside waiting to pick me up, so if you don't mind…"

He considers blocking her way to the door, but she's not a child anymore, and there's a chance she may actually win the fight. So instead, he tries a different tactic and follows her outside. She ignores him dogging her footsteps, right up until he gets into Armin's car beside her. Then she turns and glares at him, while Armin and Eren look appropriately terrified.

Good, he'd hate it if those boys thought he _liked_ them.

"What are you doing?" she snarls.

"I told you I'm not letting you go out unsupervised." he replies, determined to remain aloof and calm in front her two friends. "So if you're going to Jean's party then so am I."

"You have got to be joking." Mikasa stares at him like he's lost his mind.

She might be right, but all Levi knows is that he is tired of cleaning up the mess these three create every time they get drunk together. If this is what it takes to teach them a lesson, then fuck it, he'll just have to spend his night playing babysitter.

"I wish that I was." he grumbles. "I'd rather be inside watching the championship, but until you start acting like a responsible fucking adult this is how it has to be."

She stares at him and he stares calmly back until it finally seems to hit her that he's dead serious.

"Fine." she snaps, turning to the boys with fire in her eyes. "Armin, take the country road to Jean's house. It's quicker than getting stuck in city traffic."

"But Mikasa-"

"Just do it."

Armin turns around and starts the car, but not before sharing a confused look with Eren. Levi gets that he's probably ruining their night, but considering the fact that they're usually to blame for whatever escapade lands Mikasa in jail, he has little sympathy for them. Their nervous glances at him soothe his irritation at this whole mess.

Why is she so invested into going to this birthday party anyway? Why can't Mikasa just stick with one or two friends like he did when he was her age? Eren and Armin are familiar figures who've known her for longer than he has, but now suddenly there's this Jean boy? Who else is she hiding from him?

The drive there consists of twenty minutes of awkward silence. Armin keeps his eyes on the road, while Mikasa stares at Levi as if she's attempting to set him on fire with her glare. He ignores her and watches the scenery fly by.

At one point Eren attempts to turn on the radio, but Armin wisely bats his hand away.

"So uh Mikasa… where do I go from here?" Armin asks hesitantly, when they're well into the countryside. "I mean… I've never been to Jean's house before."

"It's just a little further." she replies.

If he wasn't distracted by the implications of Armin's question, Levi would have noticed the confused look on Eren's face. But he is distracted, because Mikasa knows where Jean's house is, and Armin doesn't. This time, Levi is the one glaring at her.

"Have you been to Jean's house? Alone? No wait, Eren was with you, right?"

"I, uh… I don't know where we're going either." Eren chimes in.

Levi grits his teeth and increases the intensity of his glare.

"He's a friend, remember?" Mikasa sighs.

She's clearly annoyed with him, but right now Levi doesn't give a damn.

"What, exactly, were you doing in his house by yourself?"

"Having lots and lots of sex."

Levi chokes on air.

"I'm kidding, we were just hanging out." she says. "It's something friends do."

That is clearly not a satisfactory answer to Levi and Mikasa knows it, but she's saved from further questioning when she turns back to Armin.

"We're here." she says, and there's a sigh of relief from everyone inside the car.

Levi gets out last, catching the door before Mikasa can slam it on his leg. Looking around, all he sees are fields, some empty and some with cows in them.

"So where exactly does this kid live?"

Mikasa nods in the direction of the nearest empty field and walks over to the locked gate in front of it.

"He doesn't exactly have a driveway, so we have to walk through this field to get to his house."

"Fantastic," Levi grumbles, following her to the gate. "This just keeps getting worse."

"You could always go home." she retorts as they begin to climb the gate.

If he was clear-headed, Levi would notice how Armin and Eren are hanging back. As it is, his mind is focused on Mikasa's relationship with this Jean boy. Her tone when talking about him is so flat it sounds to Levi like she barely cares for him, yet she's been to his house in the middle of nowhere by herself. Is it possible…? No. Levi doesn't even want to think about it.

He reaches the top of the gate and hauls his legs over, ready to jump down. Just as he is about to ask Mikasa more about Jean, he feels her shove him hard in the back. She pushes him right when his hands aren't on the gate, and he falls, face-first, into the field.

Right onto a cowpat.

Behind him, he can hear Mikasa screaming at Armin to _fucking floor it before he murders us, hurry, hurry!,_ but he makes no move to get up, too shaken by this recent turn of events. The panicked yells slowly fade as the car engine revs up, then the engine grows fainter as they drive away. Levi struggles to comprehend everything that's just happened.

Number one: Mikasa tricked him. She got Armin to drive them out to the middle of nowhere so that they could abandon Levi, and he didn't see it coming. That bothers him.

Number two: Mikasa has gotten strong and fast enough to shove him off a gate. Gone are the days where he could easily dodge her angry punches. That bothers him even more.

Number three: He's lying in a field, covered in cow shit. That bothers him the most.

He does his best to push the horror and disgust to the back of his mind, and instead focuses on the white-hot rage he can feel pulsing inside him. Slowly, he replaces his short panicked breaths with long, angry ones. It makes him stand up and climb back over the gate. Now he's standing on the side of the road, covered in cow shit, and the only signs of life anywhere nearby are the cows that are probably responsible for all the shit. But at least he's standing.

The stench is unbearable, and Levi almost throws up. Mikasa was right to run, because when he gets out of this he is absolutely going to murder all three of them.

He considers walking until he finds someone, but in his current state no one smart would pull over to help him out. The smell is getting to him, and he's about to start retching when he remembers that he still has his phone on him.

He wipes his hands as best he can on the grass, and then he reaches into his pocket and takes out his phone. Scrolling through his short list of contacts, he considers who to call. Erwin? No, Levi refuses to let the man see him like this. Besides, he's probably busy with police work. Mike? With a nose that sensitive it would be cruel to drag him out here. Hanji?

After a minute of deliberation, Levi presses call.

"Hey four-eyes. I need your help."

* * *

It takes Hanji over an hour to find him, mostly because he has no idea where he even is.

"Grass. Lots of grass."

"That's great Levi. Could you be a little more specific?"

"There's a road and like twenty fucking cows on either side! One field has yellow grass instead of green."

"…Do you think its grain?"

"Do I sound like a fucking farmer to you?"

But eventually, his ride out of here arrives.

He can tell Hanji is struggling not to laugh, and he appreciates it. He also appreciates the lack of fuss when he sits his shit-covered body inside the car. To be fair, Hanji's car is a stinking mess, so maybe he's actually doing the car a favour. After this it'll finally get a wash.

He explains the situation in short, quick sentences. Hanji easily keeps up, and doesn't even seem too surprised. Erwin may have had the most exposure to Levi's demon kids, but Hanji is not far behind.

"So what's the plan now?"

"Home. Shower. Thoroughly clean the shit off myself, and then we find out where this Jean bastard really lives."

* * *

His body is pink when he finally gets the stench of shit off of him. He feels much calmer though, so after donning some fresh clothes he makes his way into the living room. Hanji is at his computer, and Levi doesn't even question how his security passwords were bypassed. It's Hanji, so it's not worth worrying about.

"I found Jean's address." Hanji grins.

That was fast. Levi thought it would take them more time to figure it out, considering how tight-lipped Mikasa is about her social life.

"How'd you get it?"

"Facebook, mostly. I'm friends with Mikasa so it was pretty easy to find him. His address was a little harder and probably slightly illegal but its fine, I doubt anyone even noticed me snooping around."

Levi blinks, and stares at the screen in front of him. He himself doesn't have a Facebook, but he knows how it works, and how it attracts potential stalkers. He explained it all to Mikasa when she first set hers up, and she told him he was being unnecessarily paranoid.

Jokes on her, because in front of him is a picture posted by one Jean Kirstein. In it, a brown haired boy that must be Jean is grinning, his arms draped around Mikasa and Armin. They're in a club of some sort, and all three of them are smiling. The picture is tagged with all three of their names.

Levi's gut twists, his eyes moving from Mikasa's smile, to the arm around her, to the drink in her hand and finally to the box with her full name written in it.

He thought he taught her better than this. He thought that she _knew_ better than this. Hanji said it was easy to track Jean down, so Levi could only imagine it was equally as easy for someone to find Mikasa. Letting this Jean twerp post photos of her was sloppy and careless, especially photos that could be perceived as… _intimate_.

Maybe he's overthinking things, but she had been far too cagey about this Jean boy. Something doesn't feel right, and once he tracks them down he is grilling the both of them until the truth comes out.

"Let's go." he growls.

Hanji looks surprised at that, but follows him back to the car.

"I need you there in case I actually attempt to murder any of them." Levi explains calmly. "I doubt all the kids at this stupid party will understand why a grown man is trying to strangle their friend."

"If it helps, you don't look that grown."

"That really doesn't help, and you know it."

* * *

It turns out that Jean Kirstein actually lives in the city, which explains Armin's confusion when Mikasa told him to take the country road. For a second Levi almost feels pity for him, but then he remembers the cow pat and all thoughts of mercy are gone. They will all pay for this, although Mikasa will definitely face the worst of his wrath.

Here he is, trying to be a supportive yet responsible mentor figure, and she goes and shoves him into cow dung. If Levi had tried anything like that on Kenny back in the day, Kenny would have left him crying for hours. The ungrateful little shit doesn't know how lucky she is for growing up under Levi's roof and not his uncle's.

By the time they reach the house, Levi has had plenty of time to stew in his rage, and now he is seething. He gets out of the car and stomps towards the door.

"Well this is definitely the right house." Hanji comments behind him.

Even with the windows closed, Levi can hear the music blaring inside. There's no doubt that Jean's parents aren't home, since the house is lit up and he can see kids chugging alcohol in the front room. Considering it's apparently his birthday, this party was most likely authorized, so ringing Mr and Mrs Kirstein probably won't solve anything. Levi rings the bell and jiggles the doorknob, but it's clear that the music is too loud for anyone inside to hear him. Beside him, Hanji knocks hard on the door, then turns and shrugs at Levi.

"You probably shouldn't kick the door down."

"I'm going to kick the door down."

"I know. Just felt I should try and warn you anyway."

Levi raises his leg, but before he can slam it into the door, it opens. Two teenagers, a girl and a bald boy, gasp when they see him. They are clearly drunk and were probably about to sneak off and do things Levi doesn't want to think about, but he is grateful for their timing. He ignores their startled yelps and barges past them, quickly scanning the dimly lit rooms.

"Mikasa!" The girl screams behind him. "Mikasa, he's here!"

She's staring at the door at the end of the hall. It's shut, so Levi has no clue what he's about to walk into, but his plan is fairly simple. Locate Mikasa, grab her, then find Eren and Armin, and tear into them until they're all begging for his forgiveness. Normally all he has to do is glare at the boys to make them piss themselves, so they should be simple enough. He knows that Armin will be sober, but if Eren's too drunk to feel fear it'll be a little bit harder to intimidate him.

But when he opens the door, all Levi's plans grind to a halt. Nothing could have prepared him for the horror in front of him.

A group of teenagers sit in a circle, some are grinning and some are laughing. They are all staring at the two who are in the centre of the circle. The two who are kissing.

Jean and Mikasa.

Even though his face is covered by Mikasa's, Levi recognizes Jean instantly, mostly due to his ugly haircut. His hand is cupping the back of Mikasa's head while his mouth probes deeper into hers. His eyes are closed, as if he's trying to savour every second. It's a stark contrast to Mikasa; her eyes are open and bored. She makes no effort to kiss him back; in fact she looks like she's waiting for it to be over. Jean pushes closer and she squirms back, clearly uncomfortable.

Levi sees red.

He's across the room in a matter of seconds, hauling Jean off the floor and slamming him into the nearest wall. There are screams and yells and even some laughter behind him but Levi's entire focus is on the boy in front of him. Jean looks terrified, and he definitely should be. How _dare_ this little punk force himself onto Mikasa. Levi doesn't give a fuck that it's Jean' s birthday, no one gets to touch her like that if she doesn't want them to.

"Levi! Levi let him go!"

Levi ignores the hands trying to pull him off and instead pushes Jean further up the wall. The boy struggles to breathe and Levi ignores his pleading stares, glaring at him with pure fury in his eyes.

"Levi!"

Someone socks him in the jaw, and he knows it must have been Mikasa because the blow actually stuns him. He lets go of Jean and reels back, coming face-to-face with a very pissed off little cousin.

It takes him a second to realise she's pissed off at _him_ , not Jean.

"What the fuck are you doing?" she hisses.

"What am _I_ doing?" he says incredulously "He was the one kissing you against your will!"

"Against my- Levi we were playing spin the bottle!"

He looks to his left, and sure enough in the centre of the circle of wide-eyed teenagers in an empty bottle of beer.

It seems he has gravely misjudged the situation.

"Hey Mikasa," a tall freckled girl pipes up. "Is this your weird uncle Levi you were telling us about?"

"Uncle?" the small blonde girl in her lap questions. "I thought he was her grand-uncle?"

What the actual fuck.

"Uncle? I'm her second cousin!" Levi yells. "Do I look old enough to be her fucking grand-uncle, you idiot?"

The tall girl cackles, while the little blonde goes from curious to dead-eyed in under two seconds. Levi is impressed by the amount of pure apathy in her gaze. It contains less fucks than even he normally gives.

"Levi, just go. You're making a scene." Mikasa mutters behind him.

With his confusion cleared, Levi remembers his original purpose for coming here, and turns to Mikasa with his most potent death glare.

"Oh, well I'm sorry to ruin your fucking _fun_ , but the party is over for you." he spits.

He grabs Mikasa's arm, his eyes scanning the group of teens on the floor.

"Where are the other two?"

A door slams behind him, and he turns to the nearest window. Two figures can be seen running as fast as they can across Jean's back garden. Levi thinks about chasing after them, but the main culprit is in his grasp, and he doesn't want to risk losing her again.

Especially since she's apparently been bitching about him to her little group of friends. He adds that to the list of reasons why she's never leaving the house again.

"Let's go." he growls, tugging her towards the front door.

Mikasa follows him without resistance, nodding goodbye to her friends as they pass. Before they leave, Levi turns around to look at Jean. The poor kid is still slumped against the wall, seemingly torn between fear and confusion.

"Happy birthday." Levi says, slamming the door behind him.

* * *

Apparently Mrs Kirstein has a fascinating range of scientific journals, so Hanji decides to stay behind.

"I'll call a taxi when I need to get home. If you're going to kill Mikasa please don't get bloodstains on my car."

The first few minutes of the drive home are silent. Levi goes over the all the events of the past few hours, trying to find a good place to start. His hands tighten on the wheel when he remembers the feel of cow dung in his hair, and just as he's about to start talking, Mikasa speaks up.

"You shouldn't have attacked Jean. It was stupid."

"I think you've got the monopoly on stupid stunts today." he shoots back. "Besides, I thought he was forcing himself on you."

Mikasa falls silent for a moment, tugging her scarf over her nose. When they're almost home, she speaks again.

"…Thank you. I'm sorry about today."

Levi snorts as he turns the corner.

"Don't bother thanking me, and save your apologies until we get home. You're going to need them."

"Well the thing is… I'm not going home."

A car suddenly cuts in front of him, and Levi slams on the breaks, barely avoiding a collision. Mikasa is out the door in an instant, sprinting over to the other car. She jumps in as it starts to drive off, and Levi can see Armin's nervous face in the driver seat, while Eren stops Mikasa from falling out.

For a second, as he watches them drive off, Levi considers letting them go. He knows that Mikasa will stay over at one of the boys' house for a few days, then come crawling home when she's ready to face him. It's happened before, and Levi knows it would be easier to wait for her to come to him.

But then he remembers her shoving him into cow shit, and he stomps down on the acceleration pedal. She's not getting away from him today, even if he has to chase her through the whole city.

* * *

 **1 hour later**

"As soon as we get out of here I'm kicking your ass." Levi informs her from behind the bars of the holding cell.

"That's fair." Mikasa replies from the cell opposite him.

"I'm serious." His anger has boiled over, and now everything he says is covered in an eerie calm. "The second they release us, you and I are squaring up, and I'm going to give you the beatdown of a lifetime."

"Completely understandable." Mikasa agrees. "But maybe you should stop saying you're going to fight me while we're in a police station? Just a thought."

His reply, something along the lines of _the police station can go fuck itself,_ is interrupted by the sound of footsteps. Erwin and Hanji appear in front of him, matching shit-eating grins on their faces.

"If you say anything, I will gut you like a fish." Levi tells them.

"Hanji posted bail." Erwin says, clearly trying not to sound too amused. "You're free to go, but it might be trickier to get your driving licence back. The Road Safety Authorities don't look too kindly on high speed car chases."

He unlocks Levi's cell, and lets Levi march past him without another word. Behind him, Levi can hear Hanji talking to Mikasa.

"I didn't post bail for you and the boys. I figured you'd be safer in here until he cools down."

"I appreciate that."

As they leave the police station, he can see the other officers staring at him. He understands why. Back in his youth Levi spent a lot of time in and out of this precinct, and he hadn't exactly left a good impression.

Now that he is out and Mikasa is stuck there for the night, the rage is slowly leaving him, and Levi just finds that he is tired. Fuck, he's getting too old for this shit.

Erwin seems to sense his glum mood and turns to Levi with a smile.

"On the bright side, Mikasa and Eren were only tipsy, so for the first time ever none of them were charged with drunk and disorderly conduct! Baby steps, Levi, baby steps."

"That's… that's great Erwin." Levi says slowly. "Now if you don't mind I'm going to go home and scream into my pillow for an hour or two."

Behind him, a familiar song starts coming from the holding cells.

"Ninety nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety nine bottles of beeeeeer…"

"Fucking Ackermans." one policeman grumbles.

That's it. That's what breaks Levi.

This is not the kind of legacy Levi thought he'd pass on to his younger cousin, but as the off-key singing continues, he can't help but laugh. Hanji and Erwin stare at him in shock as he laughs louder than he has in years, but he can't seem to stop himself.

Fucking Ackermans indeed.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I've no idea where this came from. I just can't seem to let this AU go.**

* * *

After five months without any trouble, Levi begins to hope that maybe Mikasa has learnt not to mess with him. Maybe she grew the fuck up and accepted that she couldn't keep pulling dumb stunts and expecting him to be fine with it. Maybe they were actually on their way to having a somewhat functional relationship.

Then one day he comes home from work, and there are at least twenty kittens crawling all over the floor.

The smell alone makes Levi retch, and he struggles to block out the alarm bells in the back of his head that are ringing loudly due to the filth that has somehow invaded every inch of his pristine house in the space of an afternoon.

"Mikasa!" he roars. "Get down here!"

From upstairs, he hears someone whisper _shit,_ and then footsteps. When his little cousin finally appears on the stairs, she is as blank faced and calm as ever. Levi doesn't buy it for a second. Ackermans have fantastic poker faces, but she's lost almost every game she ever played against him.

"You're home." she says.

"Yes." Levi hisses. "I'm home. Care to explain what the fuck happened to my house?"

Mikasa looks around, and then shrugs at him.

"The cats!" Levi explodes. "Where did they come from, and why did you think I would let you keep them here?"

"Historia found them in an abandoned animal shelter."

"Who the fuck is Historia?"

"A friend."

"A friend?" Levi scoffs. "Since when do you have so many friends? I thought we agreed that two was the sensible amount."

"We never agreed to that. You just assumed that because you're only capable of keeping two friends at a time, I'd be the same."

She may have a point, but it's a small one in the face of all the furry, smelly, flea bags infecting every surface of his home.

"Why did you agree to this anyway? Why not stay out of it?"

"Historia asked Eren for help."

"And of course, when Eren jumps off a bridge so do you." Levi grumbles. "Why here? Out of all the houses available why use mine? Are you just worried that my blood pressure has become too stable, is that it? Is this some desperate attempt to piss me off?"

"The other houses were full."

He glares at her. She glares back.

"Elaborate." he grinds out slowly.

"Historia and Ymir took the old cats, the Yeagers took the adult dogs and the Arlerts took the puppies. Sasha took the donkeys and Connie took the pigs. Jean took the rabbits and we even convinced Annie Bert and Reiner to take in a few guinea pigs. All that were left were the kittens, so they had to come here."

There is not enough _what the fuck_ in the world to convey Levi's current emotional state.

"Did you… Did your friend just rob an animal shelter?"

"No." Mikasa rolls her eyes. "I told you, it was abandoned. She heard it on the news and decided to investigate. Somehow the scumbags running the place had taken the donation money and disappeared, so she offered to adopt the animals."

"Every single animal."

"Yes."

He stares at her, desperately trying to figure out how that makes any sense. Are kids these days really this insane, or is Mikasa just fucking with him by finding the weirdest people out there?

"New rule." Levi closes his eyes and tries to push away his budding headache. "Two friends only. Eren and Armin are bad enough making you rob libraries. Jean and this Historia girl… I refuse."

"Good thing it's not your life."

"No, but it is my house." Levi shoots back. "Get these fur balls out of here and clean up the mess. I can already tell that they've taken shits in at least three rooms."

"Relax, we put newspaper."

"We?"

Two heads, one brunet and one blond, pop out and peer nervously down the staircase. Levi is torn between rolling his eyes and glaring at them.

"If you three get any more co-dependent they'll have to create a new psychological term for it."

"Says Erwin's lapdog."

"Watch it." Levi snaps. "You don't get to say shit like that to me until every fucking kitten is out of this house."

"But Mr Levi sir, it's the middle of winter." Armin actually has the courage to step forward and look Levi in the eye. "Christmas was only a few days ago, so everyone looking for a new pet has probably found one. If we release them into the wild they'll freeze to death."

Levi is mildly impressed. The kid looks like a strong gust of wind could knock him over, but he's got a way with words. Come to think of it, Armin has always been the one to calm Levi down when he first hears what trouble Mikasa's gotten herself into. Levi considers putting him in a room with Erwin and watching them try and manipulate each other, but that'll have to wait until this crisis is over.

"Not my problem." he says firmly. "Get them out of here. I don't care where."

"Fine." Mikasa snaps. "Let's just bring them all up to my room."

"I think the fuck not! I said get them out of my house!"

She glares at him now, and once again a familiar battle of wills takes place. This time Levi is the first to look away, and Mikasa pounces on his moment of weakness.

"It's your house but it's my room. Come on, let's herd them all upstairs."

The three of them scatter, Mikasa running upstairs, Eren and Armin jumping past Levi to start scooping up kittens in the hall.

"I paid for this damn house!" Levi yells up the stairs. "Your room is only yours because I gave it to you!"

Mikasa ignores him, which he expected. It still pisses him off though, so he slams the front door on the way back to his car. He considers going to visit Erwin, but Mikasa's lapdog comment still stings. Instead, he decides to stay at Hanji's. Even though most of Hanji's apartment is a mess, Levi knows that there's one specific room that's always kept clean, just for him.

See, with two friends as good as Hanji and Erwin, Levi doesn't _need_ more. Fuck the brat for acting like he couldn't make more friends if he wanted to. It's a matter of _choice_ , and he'll be sure to tell Mikasa that as soon as his house is free of shit and cat hair.

And if the kittens' stench is strong enough to escape Mikasa's bedroom, Levi is fully prepared to lift every single kitten out of his house by himself, even if he has to fight Mikasa and the boys in the process.

"Five hours!" he yells behind him. "I want the whole house spotless by the time I come back!"

From her bedroom window, Mikasa sticks her middle finger out. Levi picks up a twig and flings it at her. She catches it and throws it back.

"Not a single hair!" Levi shouts up. "Or else we're having roast kitten for dinner!"

She rolls her eyes. It's as close to an agreement as he's going to get.

* * *

"I never asked for any of this!" Levi downs his fifth shot of vodka. "I didn't fucking ask for this Hanji! Kenny just shows up after years of no contact and dumps this traumatized nine-year-old on my doorstep. And obviously I wanted to be like 'fuck you', because I spent years getting my shit together and now he's acting like he can just fuck it all up again. But you know what? You know what?"

"What?" Hanji says, calmly turning to the next page of _The Neurobiology of Attachment-Focused Therapy._

"I decide that no, I'm going to be _better_ than Kenny. I'm not gonna fuckin abandon this poor kid like he did to me. I'm gonna make sure she grows up safe and on the right side of the law. And at first, I really think that I'm doing ok. I mean sure, I'm not perfect. Am I a stable loving parental figure? No. Would I pass a child abuse test from social services? Maybe. But it's a hell of a lot better than the childhood Kenny gave me! And I really thought she understood that, but then-"

"She became a teenager?"

He glares at Hanji, who goes back to reading.

"She starts acting out, getting into trouble, and look, I know I wasn't great when I was nineteen-"

"You were a criminal."

Levi throws back another shot.

"-but this is just bullshit. I never adopted twenty fucking cats Hanji! I never did something that stupid!"

"No, you just ran a criminal empire until you got caught and conscripted."

"Exactly!"

Hanji sighs, and reaches for the vodka.

* * *

The house is clean by the time he gets back, and Levi is automatically suspicious. Mikasa never just does what she's told when it comes to him, things always have to be more difficult than that.

He walks into the kitchen, and the dread he's feeling worsens when he sees Mikasa making dinner. Whenever she needs food and he's not cooking she just orders takeout. Making dinner for the two of them is always a sign that she's trying to soften him up.

"What did you do?"

"Nice to see you too Levi." she stirs the tomato sauce. "You're welcome on the clean house by the way."

"You made it dirty in the first place you little-" he stops himself before he gets side-tracked. "Where are the kittens?"

"Which one?"

"All of them." he growls.

"Well Peanut is with the next-door neighbours, Snuggles is down the road with the family that moved into Marco's house, we gave Knuckles to some girl who lives above the liquor store, Fluffy is-"

"Stop." Levi cuts across her. "Just tell me. How many kittens are left?"

"None."

"None?"

Mikasa shrugs, pulling the sauce off the hot plate.

"You seemed really upset earlier, and you were right that this is your house. It wasn't fair to spring all this on you, so together the three of us managed to give all the kittens to people who wanted them."

"Oh."

Levi stares, because he has no idea how to handle any of this. No incident between them has every been resolved this quickly.

"Are you lying? Am I going to go upstairs and find all the kittens stuffed into your closet?"

"Not lying." Mikasa pours the sauce over the pasta. "The kittens are all gone, so relax and eat."

And Levi does. It's not actually half bad, considering how Mikasa's usual attempts at cooking end up burnt or flavoured with sugar instead of salt.

By the time he's finished eating and Mikasa hasn't suddenly confessed to a cat shitting on his bed or something, Levi's actually started to believe that this whole mess is over. He doesn't even feel like yelling at her anymore, although that may be due to the combined alcohol and food exhaustion he's feeling.

He flops down by the television and flicks it on. Behind him, Mikasa pauses on her way up to her bedroom.

"Levi?"

"Hm?"

"I don't actually enjoy stressing you out. Most of the time anyway."

He frowns, switching from some vampire drama to a soccer match.

"Good to know."

"So, if you want to stay stress free… maybe stay away from the local news channels."

By the time he processes that, she's gone up the stairs. He hears the door of her room slam shut, and squeezes the remote tightly. Alone with the TV, he glares at the screen.

Does he want to know?

No, he does not.

Is he going to watch the local news anyway?

Yes, he is.

Sighing, he changes the channel. On the local news station, Pastor Nick is being interviewed.

"I truly believe it's a Christmas miracle from God himself. All these children who were longing for kittens, but whose parents wouldn't let them get one, suddenly find a little kitty in their bedroom? There's no way this can be a coincidence. I think we just have to accept that it's a late Christmas gift to all the good children of this town."

The screen cuts back to the newsroom. Levi recognizes the anchorman as Dimo Reeves. He used to supply the man with weed during his college years.

"Sadly, this is not quite due to divine intervention. Currently, all children interviewed have admitted to being questioned by three teenagers, two males and one female, earlier today. Home security footage from Mr Boris Feulner's house has captured a masked woman climbing into his young daughter's bedroom with a kitten. Oddly enough, none of the people who reported a break-in actually had anything stolen from them. It seems that this is all just an elaborate prank by some misguided teens, attempting to make all kitten lovers a little cheerier during this holiday season."

"In studio with us right now is Chief of Police Erwin Smith. Mr Smith, why do you think these teens specifically targeted children who wanted kittens? What-"

Levi switches the TV off.

He takes a deep breath. Then another one. Then one more for good measure.

"MIKASA! GET DOWN HERE!"

He's seething as she sprints down the stairs. Before he can say anything, she thrusts a book into his hands.

"What's this?" he snaps. "Some miracle explanation to prove that you didn't actually break into every family home in this town and dump a kitten on them?"

He turns it over and squints suspiciously at the cover. _Murder at Cape Three Points._ The next book in his favourite series, one he hasn't been able to come across in the local library or bookstores.

"It's the only thing I stole today." Mikasa says quietly. "I stole it from Nile Dok's house, because I know you hate him."

It's true. Nile Dok is an asshole, and Levi has said as much to his face. On multiple occasions.

"That's…" Levi sighs. "Thank you."

Mikasa waits.

"When I said get rid of the kittens, I didn't mean drop them in random houses."

"I didn't. We found kids who really wanted kittens."

"And their parents?"

Mikasa says nothing.

"Look," Levi sits back against the sofa. "Just promise me you were careful. Can any of this be traced back to us?"

Mikasa snorts at that, and shakes her head.

"Please." she smirks. "You raised me better than that."

After everything that had happened, those words should not have warmed Levi's heart. He should not be willing to forgive and forget so quickly. But fuck it, he's tired and a little drunk. It's the vodka's fault he feels like this. Probably.

"No more animals."

"No more animals." Mikasa promises.

"No more 3am calls from the police station."

"Eh."

"Mikasa." he growls.

"I've seen your rap sheet. Kenny's too. I have a long way to go before I'm not the cleanest Ackerman of the three of us."

"That's putting the bar so low, it's buried underground."

"Yep." she agrees. "Good talk."

He lets her go as she runs out the door, probably going to jump straight into more trouble with Eren and Armin, or one of her new friends. Kenny would laugh at him now, tell Levi that he's grown soft.

But you know what? Levi doesn't give a damn. Mikasa isn't dead or a wanted criminal and by Ackerman standards?

That makes Levi a pretty good legal guardian.

(But if he ever comes home to a house filled with animal shit again, Mikasa will be sleeping over at the Yeagers' house for at least a month.)


End file.
